Lesava's blog: "Marriage and Disintegration"

About two years into the marriage,  I started thinking about children.  I had always been told I would be a great mother, and I really wanted to have one or two children.  I wasn't close to my parents during this time, in fact all during my marriage, Randy wouldn't hear of it (more on that later).  I was kind of on my own when it came to asking someone for advice or counsel, except for his family, and I didn't want to talk to them about it, they had too much control on our marriage as it was.

I thought first about having a child when we only had a studio apartment at that time.  We barely had enough room for our things, much less room for a baby and all that entailed.  Also, money..........we weren't in debt, but we really didn't have enough money (IMHO) to take on a baby.  And lastly, as I thought it through completely, I came to the very real conclusion that there was no way I could have a child without my husband being jealous of it.  He needed my attention, 24/7.  I could barely talk to my family and friends, and he hated me even talking on the phone to anyone else, how was I going to bring a child into that situation?  I knew it wasn't the right time.  Not until things got better with he and I.

As I look back on that time now, I just thought of something that should have been my answer all along.  Randy NEVER discussed having children with me.  He got along with his niece and nephew, and loved his cousins' children, but when the subject of us having kids came up, it was dropped, ignored, or the subject was changed quickly.  He couldn't have stood it.

My only chance of having kids was to leave him, but I was too blinded to see what I had married, and I made the sacrifice to not have kids for the time being and I stayed to have my "loving" marriage.  That decision hurts my heart to this day.  Because by the time I had left him 10 years later and I was ready to have children with my long time boyfriend, I was forced to have surgery due to severe hemorrhaging, and I was unable to have children at all.

The first of Randy's damaging to me and my body and mind had begun from the day the decision was made to stay with him.  And things were just going to get so much worse from there.