'Those who beat their swords into plowshares end up plowing for those who kept their swords.' Benjamin Franklin

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist

What's on your mind?This makes me sad ... I hate skype ...sigh We are retiring the existing Messenger service globally (except for mainland China where Messenger will continue to be available) and bringing the great features of Messenger and Skype togethe

Shot my first turkey yesterday..it was awesome! Scared the $hit out of everyone in teh frozen food section. Getting old is so much fun...

Trying to get me out of bed in the morning is like trying to make a herd of turtles stampede thru peanut butter.

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY! Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!

I need 5 people to sign up for the secret war please and thank you http://secretwar.thesecretworld.com/

Sometimes I think "The world has gone crazy!" Other times I think "Hey, whats for supper?"

happy New Year :D

http://youtu.be/2Xwf0dP1XBw

terrorist are still attacking us, and it's costing us $4.00 a Gallon

When I was a kid, I really thought earwigs were nasty bugs that crawled out of your ear, so can you imagine what I thought when I heard about cockroaches!

stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example... A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a b

I am a firm believer that George Carlin, Frank Zappa and Steve Vai should have been 2nd grade teachers.

doesn't know who to believe. My cheerios keep telling me the rice krispies are crazy

they thought they were smart when they put me in the round room and told me to find the corner, ha i found it

I hate when people see me at the super market & are like "hey what are you doing here?" I'm like "Oh you know, hunting elephants"

Dear Internet Ads, I do not care what my credit score is right now, I am trying to watch porn. Thank you.