xxGiGgLeSxx The Hopeless Romantic's blog: "??Just a Question??"

Dun think i have any anymore..... Nune of them talk to me anymore...... Guess the internet is endin up like real life all over....... *sighs*........

I'm going to write this poem I'm going to make it good I'm going to make it stand out Like my feelings always should But instead i bottle up I let me rot inside Let my heart decay away As i get taken for a ride As happiness begins to fade Depression is creeping in Madness is here to stay And darkness fills me within I'm locked inside my mind Locked within this cage Locked away inside my thoughts Felling the blade of rage As it gently run across my arm I feel it slice my skin A million cuts on my arm For each and every sin Sins which i regret They haunt me everyday They live inside my head And keep the sanity away Each and everyday I find it hard to cope To cope with my painful struggle I wonder if there is hope Everyday i wake up And seem as happy as can be But deep inside my fucked up mind There is pain and misery

so whenever any of my friends here tell me that im a hottie...i snap at them and say that im not n not to lie to me.... n they say that ther not lying...like the other day...my girl chelle said that one day shell make me believe her....BULLSHIT...its days like today that i know everone is a liar....i know that im ont hot..but im not a total lost cause...but sum people are just plain fuckin assholes!!!!!today at work this mexican lady came in and was talkin to my manager in spanish...livin in the town that speaks nuthin but spanish i kow i understand enough spanish to get along in a conversation....she asked him if i was his girlfrind...n he told her no that i was just the new girl....she then told him good cuz i was ugly....i was hurt...i know that im not that pretty...but when i actually heard it from sumone who thought i couldnt understand them was just....grr idk...i was sad....then she looked at me n spoke in english...thank you have a nice day...so i spoke back to her in spanish n told her thanks for callin me ugly...you dog...my manager n the lady were both surprisd that was able to speak back...the lady left embarrassed...n my manager thought it was funni....but yet i was still hurt on the inside...and it still kinda sorta bothers me...but itleast i know the truth...AND I BEG OF YOU PEOPLE TO NEVER CALL ME HOT AGAIN...IT REALLY BOTHERS ME ON DAYS LIKE THIS...IT MAKES ME THINK THAT U GUYS ARE LIARS...N I DONT LIKE LIARS....

it hurts... everything hurts... My eyes from cryin... thr swoolen n beat read, i can barley see...my back from standing all day... my shoulders from stress...my feet from my stoopid ass effin shoes....my knee cuz it wants to give me problems when things are goin good...my head from the yelling...but most of all...most of all my heart hurts i honestly think that ther is no place for me in this world anymore...im thinkin of packin my shit n headin to the clouds...i have nuthin.. i have noone...ok i may have ash,chelle,jeremy,kira,james,sean, n kevin...but without a computer...i dont have them either.. so whats the use... i have no money.. i feel no matter how hard i work... no matter what i do.. i just cant pay my bills...im 6000 n dept...all medical bills...n my cell if off..no cummincation.... i have no car.... without money i have no car..duh..the pos just sits in the parkin lot...rotting away like its owner i have no love...thats what hurts the most...i lost all my friends... i have no one to talk to anymore.. n if my cable ever goes out.. i loose all my frineds here too... my family hates me...my grama n i just got into it.. really really bad too...i went n slept in my car for a while..well idk if i slept..i wasnt gone that long n its way to cold to sleep.. i pretty much jut layed ther n cried....idk why she flipped...i worked 10hrs today.. n got home n wanted to sit n relax...but she wanted cigs.. i told her to wait cuz i was tired as hell... then an hr later i was gunna go get them.. but she yelled for me to do the dishes.. i told her to ask my 14yr old cuz who lays on her ass alll day long.. and she called me a lazy fuckin bitch.. i was like wtf...how come i go to work 10hrs a day.. nikki lays around... n yet im a bitch cuz im tired...so thats when i went to my car...its to cold.. so i came in... idk if shes knows im home...i have no love..at all... i was with berg last week.. and im sick of his lying...again he tells me all this shit.. but yet hes still with kelly n isnt plannin on leavin.. thank god nuthin happend that night...o id be more fucked up then i already am so all im sayin is idk how much longer ill be around..cuz im out of here...mentally already.. n soon maybe physically... i just need to decide how n when will be the best time

"Calling You" Theres something that i cant quite explain i'm so in love with you you'll never take that away and if i said a hundred times before expect a thousand more you never take that away well expect me to be calling you to see if you're ok when i'm not around asking if you love me i love the way you make it sound calling you to see do i try too hard to make you smile to make a smile well i will keep calling you to see if you're sleepin are you dreamin and if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me i cant believe you actually picked...me i thought that the world had lost its sway (its so hard sometimes) then i fell in love with you (then came you) and you took that away (its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult) you take away the old show me the new and i feel like i can fly when i stand next to you so what if I'm on this phone a hundred miles from home i take the words you gave and send them back to you i only want to see if you're ok when i'm not around asking if you love me i love the way you make it sound calling you to see do i try too hard to make you smile to make a smile i will keep calling you to see if you're sleepin are you dreamin and if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me i cant believe you actually picked...me well i will keep calling you to see if you're sleepin are you dreamin and if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me i cant believe you actually picked...me i will keep calling you to see if you're sleepin are you dreamin and if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me i cant believe you actually picked...me

can anyone say confusion... iv hd my pc back for 24hrs after being gone for 2 weeks... and my head is already fucked up... my goodness.... two men... one heart... what way to go??? haahaha sounds like a soap oprah title..hahah

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER TRYING...IM SICK OF SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPENDING TO ME......I PUT MY HEART OUT THR CUZ IM STOOPID...I LOOK AT THE WORLD N I WANNA MAKE IT A BETTER PLACE...ILL DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE..ANND CARE ABOUT EVERYONE.....BUT PPL DONT SEE THAT...ILL TELL THEM I LOVE THEM N THAT I CARE FOR THEM TILL IM BLUE IN THE FUCKIN FACE....N ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH....I PAY ATTENTION N I CARE.... BUT WHY SHOULD I??? I MEAN.. ALL I WANNA DO IS BE THR FOR A PERSONN ALL THEY DO IS TRY N PUSH ME AWAY..........IM SICK TO MY STOMACH...MY EYES ARE HURTING FROM ALL THE CRYIN...I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE...I CANT...N IDK WHAT TO DO.... MY HEART IS ACHING N MY SOUL IS TORN APART.......WELL IM DONE NOW...I DONT WANNA EVER CARE FOR ANOTHER PERSON AGAIN... NEXT TIME I WANNA BE THE PERSON WHO SHITS ON YOU... NT THE ONE WHO GET SHIT ON THR ARE TYPOS...FUCK YOU I DONT CARE ITS 4 FUCKIN AM...N IM DEPRESSED..N IM GUNNA DO SUMTHIN I REGRET...FUCK YOU

WHAT A FUCKIN WEEK.. LET ME TELL YOU!!! So let me start from the begging, and btw.. its 3 fuckin am.. nuthin is gunna be spelled right. MONDAY-- My uncle passed and this was the day of his memorial service...And if the day wasnt sad as hell, we get a phn call...My other uncle is dyin.. An thr not sure if hell make it to christmas. Tuesday-- Come down with a cold... Cant breath... N what the fuck is the point of eating... Food has no taste.. WEDNESDAY-- look at what i said about tuesday...Still feelin like shit Thursday--My best friend... or so called best friend gets pissed at me for no reason... but because she has a bf she dont care.. she can live with out me for the moment... well this upsets me..But hey... what can i do?? Not a damn fuckin thing FRIDAY--This was the worst day of all...The guy that i was fallin in love with had to break things with me b4 they even started...It was the worst day ever...Yea i cried for hrs on end..Cuz iv never in my life have ever met a guy like him..But i couldnt get mad at him...Cuz in his situation..most men wouldnt do what he did.. n im proud of him for that. SATURDAY--Was upset about my guy till Renee came... i was soo fucked up...My stepdad hooked us up with sum weed...So i went walk across the deck, but was talkin to renee n not lookin whr i was goin...BOOM... walked into a pole..forehead first..Then in the gameroom i went to sit onthe pool table.. fell flat on my ass...brused my tailbone... then went to the bathroom n on the way back.. fell over my own foot... then three feet later my bad knee gave out.. while the other foot was stuck in the door... so down i went yet again... bad thing was.. i bashed my bad knee onthe floor... OHYEAH.. I DIDNT SMOKE TILL AFTER ALL THE SPILLS....so now im a fuckin gimp..and have an interview SUNDAY--drove around on golf cart...came home slept...tried to talk to my guy... but he was no whr to be found... went to sleep MONDAY--found my guy...and shit went down.. he doesnt belive anything i say to him..cuz of the past hoes... and a lot of shit went down.. im not gunna say what.. cuz im not postin his bizznas on the fuckininternet...but even tho all this shit went down.. i sitll love his ass..why? dont fuckin ask.. cuz i dont fuckin no... SO yea iv had one fucked up week... and tommrow i find out if i have a job... witch means ill have cash money... witch means my phn goes back on n my car gets fixed... n my babi gets kidnapped...lol...not sure about that last one.. depends on how he feels that day... well im outie all

theres so many words i cant say when i look into your eyes. maybe youll reject me and shatter all my pride each day my love grows stronger but i wont let you know theres way to much behind my smile i could never show id hold you for a life time if you would take my hand id love you like no other but you dont understand everytime i see you your holding on to her the pain cuts like a dagger making wonds that will never cure so ill dream of us together of how it could be and i will keep the secreat love you could of had with me